I couldn’t sleep tonight so I
got out to my porch and sat on a newly-placed-old sofa <my dad had it moved
from the computer room>. It was dark, windy, not too cold. However I wore a
short and a thin old tank top and the wind gave me the chill. My mind traveled
on that day, the day me and him had spent 2 nights sleeping on a coach during a
vacation.
We hadn’t been there alone, of course, there had been about 48
classmates of ours too :). When I say “sleeping” not entirely, real “sleeping”.
He sat and I laid my head on his lap. I remembered it had been a very, very
cold night. I was wearing a thick t shirt, a jacket, and his jacket on top of
me, covering me, and I still shivered badly. If you ask me whether I slept
well, well, I did. In fact, I slept tight because I felt secure.
In the
morning, around 0230 am I woke up and found him trembling yet he insisted
sitting there, smiling at me <it was indeed dark and I didn’t wear my
glasses but his face was so close to mine that I couldn’t be mistaken>. I
continued to sleep for I was really sleepy. Then again at about 0430 am, I woke
up only to find that he was still trembling for his feet were both on the icy
floor all night.
When I woke up and looked at him in the eyes that very
morning, I swore that I would never forget his look. I keep my promise. I still
remember those eyes staring at me warmly, compassionately, affectionately, as
if he wasn’t chilled at all; as if we’re in a more comfortable condition, with
candles and all that; as if it was me in the whole world he would care about.
Probably I only imagined all that, probably I didn’t. I don’t know. But that’s
what I felt that morning.
It has been my sanctuary; my shelter from all the
troubles wronged me.
I couldn’t possibly tell you what I felt tonight when I
was trembling because of the wind on my backyard sofa. I was alone physically
on my backyard sofa and I felt more alone emotionally at the same time. Well,
it was sentimental and I made a sloppy movement to write it down here.
I ask my self hundreds of time :
“What could he possibly have been thinking or feeling all night, not being able
to sleep because it was very cold, when I sat on his lap ?”
Then I rush myself : “Does he
still think or feel the same way right now ?”
One of my friends told me this morning
that I always am stronger than any other women she knew. I’m not proud of it.
I’m not. Tonight, I let myself be weak. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, susceptible,
defenseless, exposed to everything that might turn myself upside down. But only
tonight, only tonight. Hopefully, I pray to God, only tonight…
tidak ada orang yang ingin menjadi seseorang yang melukai hati orang lain..
